A Colored Girl's opinions

I started this blog so long back. When it first premiered it was this ballsy step I had taken. I wrote about my sorrow and heartache which as a teenager seemed like the end of the world. But recently seems like a memory I rather leave behind with the end of my teen years. This blog started from an obsession to a annoyance to write to something I forgot I had. When I was younger it was such a part of my personality that I had written about it in various college essays. I feel like now is the time to say goodbye. This may not be permanent. Knowing me the minute my heart breaks I'm might be right here where I started trying to heal by writing my feelings to various strangers from websites I hope aren't scandalous. From badly written poems to grammatical errors I still correct thanks for always reading my words. Even if it was a random find or a way to laugh or mock or relive with me. It's nice that someone out there had read this. This was more for me than anyone else...

I have this habit of re watching old sitcoms whenever I see memes based on it or read something interesting for example Full house or my all time favorite Fresh prince of bel Air. So when I watched one of the SATC movies I realized how I perceived the characters was only based on the movies. And had no idea who Aidan was and didn't really understand most of references. So I decided to watch the series and what I realized was I HATED IT. The premise is quite bold for a 90s sitcom. But the characters. Miranda is the only character that doesn't make me want to scream. Carrie is everyone's best friend. And that's not possible. Sam,Miranda and Charlotte seem to have no rapport except during banter when they meet. No friendship. They are never portrayed to hang out or even have a relationship unless the episode demands it. In a time where we need to prove women have to stick together. The show seems to come in rather poor taste. Also don't get me started on the...

I have a pattern. Every time I am falling down a spiral, I write this stupid blog. It's like an addiction I can't remember a time when I didn't have this blog to rant through a shitty arrangement of words. I'm in that phase of my life where I have to take a major life decision. As a girl who is just starting out my adult life and has made 4 life changing decisions already. I want the world to have the courtesy to stop. And just freeze. Every where I go I have the words marriage, career, babies and future thrown at me. People in uni already know if they want to get married and have babies and have the job of their dreams and then there's me who celebrated making a meal that didn't come out of a box. I wanted to take a gap year but how dare I spend time on trying to figure myself out and trying to understand who I am as a person. But instead I forced on the rat race I call life where I'll have to work till I die. And the one day I will cease to exist ...

I was watching one tree hill the other day. And I was watching the episode where Keith shows Lucas how every little thing he had done even though it wasn't major to him at the time. It changed the way I viewed the world. I recently lost a friend/ acquaintance who was murdered. I won't get into too many details. But it has really affected me. Even though they weren't really a part of my life. But I remember clear as day this one day she sat in the bus alone along with me. And I wonder if I just said hi and made conversation maybe it would have been different. I have recently going back to various points in my life. Looking back whether if I acted differently or said something else if I would be where I was now. And if it did change something, would I change it? It bugs me. It has been keeping me up at night. Did it even matter? Did I help someone or Did I tear someone apart? Am I the nice person I claim to be? Lately I don't think I am. I don't think...

 I have spoken about this a lot. This topic has always made a little like the trolls I hate. But its not fair. And I say this as a fan not a struggling Youtuber. I have noticed a pattern  Person appears in video People likes said person Jokes he/she should start channel Person starts appearing more frequently Suddenly SURPRISE SURPRISE the person now has a channel And THE PERSON HAS 100K subs on the first day THE FIRST DAY THE FIRST DAY It just annoys me. That they get so many benefits. What I want to know is would people even subscribe to them if they didn't know them before hand. Their content can be good. But is it worth 100,00 subs in a day. Is it? It is annoying because most of the people just see it as fast money but not cause they really care. They are very few people I know who do. 

Have you ever had a friend that worries you? The kind that goes off the radar. Every 6 months they come back into your life and when you are used to them texting you everyday and then suddenly one fine day poof. I miss that person so much But I can't contact them because something happened and they shut me out. And it's not their fault. It's mine. I am so happy when they are happy I forget to remind myself. That they are not always Happy. Happiness is not an emotion but a lease with a short time period. I am a horrible friend. They need me and all I can do is sit and write a blog. But I dont know what to  do. I'm not a trained professional. Nor do they want to see a trained professional. I feel like they are always there for me.  But I don't how to help them.. Everything I say seems cheesy and non helpful I say " It's going to be okay" But in my head I sound like every tumblr post that mocks my friend's struggle. I feel useless...