Self Hate

My Father died when I was very young. And my whole life I have not known how it is to have a father and it hurts me.No, I don't want sympathy I merely want to dedicate this passage to my father on his death anniversary.

I was quite young when it happened so I have no memory of him.He died because of a drunk driver.It was all very sudden.My mom brought me up and never gave me a reason to complain or denied me of anything I wanted.But at a small age I realised we live in a dark world.Many men woud intimidate my mother cause she was all alone and my whole life I remember praying that she would come home safely.And sometimes when we walked and the men who would  cat call  and ask me where my dad is. To a 3 year old girl who was bullied for not having a father,the world seemed like a horrid place.I realised at a tender age the world was a cruel place

I think I wanted a perfect Dad because i thought it would solve all my problems.But to a 3 year old who her family wanted to shield away from reality got her dose of reality every day at school.Everyone told me what I missed out on.And girls bragged about hows daddy's little girl got everything she wanted. All the boys bullied me too because I never had a Dad or brother to protect me.

I was so jealous.And as I grew up I found out that many of the people on my father's side blamed me for his death as it happened when I was born.They felt I was a bad omen.My mom then told me people have different mechanisms of coping and some try to blame death on something or someone.But that never appeased me.I started to believe I was bad omen.And over the years my family members slowly proved to me I was.They didn't d it on purpose but I was small naive girl and at 12 with only accquaitances and  one supposed best friend.I started to think I was bad luck.


This led to the self hate.I hated myself.And when my step-dad proposed to my mum,It all went dark.I remember cutting myself  and trying to ruin their relationship and had become a complete problem child.To me it felt like my mom was the only person in the world who loved me and to lose her,would be the last straw.


When we moved afterwards I accepted the fact my mom was happy and even gave my blessing but in this new school I met my spiral into self hate.I was bullied.


From then on it got worse but now I'm sitting before you after 3 suicide attempts and cutting myself and body shaming myself here I am. True,my story isn't as bad as many people out here but I'm trying to help myself that is why I started this blog.It's my therapy and So here's day one of this

A positive note

I'm sorry to myself for all I have said.I am a strong girl/boy and  I shall get through this

Please join me and maybe together we shall overcome this.
Guys you are handsome
Girls you are beautiful
<3 <3
Anne/Andrea out